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The University of Ediacara Faculty List

[Note those projects designated (*) are in receipt of a research grant from the Dean's Private Fund for Very Important Research]


Name & Position

Research Area
Chris Colby
Dean of Science
Professor of Evolutionary Biology.
Genetic drift of _saccharomyces_ sp. in starch-rich cultures(*)
James A. (Chris) Acker
Professor of Hypothetical Geophysics.
J. Harlan Bretz Chair of Unlikely
Geophysical Scenarios
U of E Swimming Coach
Laminar Flood Theory.
Elmer (Chris) Bataitis
Haeckelian Professor of Audio-Visual Studies.
Walter Bauersfield Memorial Planetarium Theater projectionist.
Morphology of macroscopic deformation features at ICR Impact sites
Sue (Chris) Bishop
Professor of Equine Evolution.
Faculty Provost Marshal
.Net Law
Seth J. (Chris) Bradley
Professor of Comparative Anthropoidology.
William Smith Chair of Pub Statigraphy.
The evolution of continual estrus and its effects on human behavior(*).
Keith (Chris) "Justified And Ancient" Cochran
Professor of Religious Studies.
Chair University Sexual Discrimination Committee.
Applied interspecific lateral transfer of feline behavioral characteristics - "look what the cat dragged in" syndrome.
Dick (Chris) Craven,
Professor of Modern Humor from the ICR.
The relationship between alcohol consumption and understanding the 2nd law of thermodynamics and entropy.*
Ian B. (Chris) Crosby, Zy. D.
Zymurgis Doctor & Professor
Department of Positivism and Negativism
The pros and cons of walternative medicine: a new approach to the treatment of anencephaly.
Dan (Chris) Day
Professor of Interactive Geology.
GeoQuest(tm) - The Electronic Game.
Fight verbal battles with the Arch- Lawyer Johnson in the Courtroom of Ignorance; avoid being Gished in the Transitional Form Infinite Regression Trap; save Darwin from the clutches of the Evil ICR.
A fun game for all the family.
(Chris) DeadDog
Hadian Professor of Abiogenesis
The mystifying omission of abiogenesis from the general theory of evolution
Ben T. (Chris) Dehner
Professor of Uniformitarian Astrophysics
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Rob (Chris) Derrick
Professor mu-meritus of Taoism and TAEism
Investigations into the simple question "why?". Followed by the more problematic "Why not?"
Peter (Chris) Drake
Professor of the Golden Parentheses
Finding Dmitri Kuznetsov and making him answer for his crimes against Science.
Wes (Chris) Elsberry
Professor of Non-Invasive Lexicography
Samuel Johnson Chair of Jargon
Redefining the upper limits of harmless drudgery
Alan (Chris) Feuerbacher
Adjunct Professor of Actual Catasrophism.
[Has not supplied research topic-Admin]
Paul J. (Chris) Gans
Janitorial Professor of Medieval Thermodynamics
A thermodynamic yankee in the court of King Arthur*
David Iain (Chris) Greig
Vice-Dean, University Computing Services
Holden Professor of Magnetism and Morality
Depts. of Biochemistry and Philosophy (x-appt'd)
Great alcoholic philiosophers of the 19th and 20th century - a biomedical analysis of their inspiration*
Robert (not-Chris) Grumbine
Adjoint Professor of Mathematics
Assistant to Chairthing of Book Taxonomy
Paleoprofessor of Hypothetical Climatology
Quantum Celestial Mechanics
Oceanography and Glaciology of Vacuums
Edward (Chris) Hackett
Professor of Paleoapathy
L. Ron Hubbard Chair of Dianetics
Some Kind of Brachiopod: An Irreproducible Univariate Statistical Analysis
Bill (Chris) Hamilton
Professor of Vehicular Evolution
Predatory vehicular dynamics, chance or design?
Josh (Chris) Hayes
Professor of Moderation
Moderation of scientific, biological evolution
Chris Heiny
Professor of Bizarre Theories
Offther-Hocking Chair of Lunar Influences
Ark Simulation: Optimal packing of cats/dogs/people in one structure.
Brian (Chris) Henderson
Professor of Meaningless Calculations
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Melanie (Chris Chris) Hohertz
Redundant Professor of Redundancy.
(on sabbatical)
Chris Ho-Stuart
Professor of Creative Proof Theory
a) Mutation of the Goedel Meme
b) Evilutionist Internethics
Maddi (Chris) Hausmann Sojourner
Professor of Thermohydrodynamics
Revolving Chair of Humor Moderation
Highchair of Indterdisciplinary Studies
Benificial affects of aerating median sized water bodies at close to body temperature.*
Kathleen (Chris) Hunt
Professor of Zoology
Transitional Transitions
Herb (Chris) Huston
Professor of Primatology
Gould Chair of Scientific Writing.
Exhaustive concordance for the complete works of S.J. (Chris) Gould
Tim (Chris) Ikeda
Professor of Botany
The affects of alcohol consumption on "Stinky Enteric Bacteria"*
Mark (Chr-) Isaak
Professor of Computational Entomology
Carey Chair of Inflatable Geological Theory
The Once Hollow Earth Theory
William H. (Chris) Jefferys
Professor of Astrology and Lunacy
Statements on moondust thickness as an inverse measure of intelligence
Paul (Chris) Keck
Professer of Media Representation
Polyphase Expression in the Visual Media
Dave (Chris) Knapp
Professor of Big, Big, Bangs.
Things that happened long, long ago in galaxies far, far away.
Koko (Kris) Gorilla
Professor of Linguistics
Garfield Chair of Feline Companionship
Translation of the complete works of Charles (Chris) Darwin to ASL
Peter (Chris) Lamb, HBC
Professor & Von Daniken Chair of Special Theories
Novel theories and their equally novel logic
James J. (Bruce) Lippard
Professor of Philosophy
Name disambiguation among homogeneous groups in acade.
Andrew (Chris) MacRae
Professor of Tiny Dead Things
Dinoflagellates: were they around in the Paleozoic, or were they hiding out?
James (Chris) Meritt, HBC
Professor Emeritus of Invective and Sarcasm
Investigation into maximum length of posting capable of being handled by the UseNet. (joint project)
Alan (Crunchy Chris) Morgan
Professor of Evo-Nazism
Assistant Head of Light Entertainment
Mindless Sadism and its Effect on the Mime Population.
Scott H. (Chris) Mullins
Professor of Platypodiatry
The evolution of hammertoe in monotremes - A link to our egg-laying past?
R. Edward (Chris) Nather
Professor of Astroenterology
The discovery and analysis of Satanic messages obtained by playing the fossil record backwards.
Chris Nedin
Professor of Palaeopathology
Gish Chair of Palaeontology
Studying the fragmentary remains of the Cambrian Explosion in an attempt to find those responsible.
Philip (Chris) Nicholls
Professor of Aquatic Anthropology
Institute for Hydrohominoid Studies
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Andy (Not-Chris) Peters
Professor of Sex
Xaviera Hollander Chair of Sex, Parasites
and Other Naughty Bits
Synergistic effects of mutation, beer, parasites, beer, abiotic factors, and beer in maintaining sexual reproduction.*
Dr (Chris) Pepper
Professor of Persistent Questions
Searching for the Theory of Creationism
Neill (Chris) Reid
Pot Black Professor of Celestial Mechanics
Hurricane Huggins as a model for Velikovskian interactions - with and without sobriety tests
Warren (Kris) vonRoeschlaub
Professor of Mathematical Theology
Analysis of Ice Cores from Ste Jovite, Canada.
Mickey "Chris" Rowe
Raving Professor of Pedantry
Archdeacon of the Order of the Holy Gecko
No topic too small:
The origin and evolutionary advantage of panchromatism in a monochromatic world.
Bruce (Chris) Salem
Professor of EE (Engineering Evolution)
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Tero (Chris) Sand
Professor of Information Transfer Technology
Spreading the word via quantum mechanics
Steve (Chris) Schaffner
Professor of Quantum Literature
"Virgil's _Georgics_ and the Classical Theory of Fields."
Michael F. X. (Xris) Siemon
Theomaniac Professor of Evolutionary Patristics
University Chaplain
a) Evolution of Scripture
b) Mutation and Flamage in Patristic Literature
Bowen (Chris) Simmons
Professor of Punctuated Darwinism
[has not supplied research topic - admin]
Roscoe (Chris) Sincero
Professor of Creative Non-Sequitur Engineering
Thomas Barnes Chair of Philosophy
Analytical Modelling of Rectum Tunneling Effect on the Creationist Mind and Its Effect on the Second Law

Second Law Efficiency of Nostril Mining and Digging In Relation to Creationist Thought Processes

Chris Stassen
Professor of Geology
Finding a cure for C14 decay
Tom (Chris) Swanson
Professor of Darwin Physics
Larson Memorial Chair of Creative Drawing
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Tim J. (Chris) Thompson, HBC
Professor of Planetary Atmospherics
Ginenthal Chair of Planetary Physics
Unconventional theories on the Venusian atmosphere - so much hot air?
Wayne (Chris) Throop, HBC
Emeritus Professor of Biomechanics
Currently pursuing research at the Holden Memorial Institute for the Hopelessly Uniformitarian
Richard (Chris) Trott
Meritorious Professor of Musical Composition
Spinal Tap Chair of Music
Alcohol induced, melodious social intercourse(*).
Brett J. (Chris) Vickers
Professor of Evolutionary Archivology.
Automated information transfer via electronic means - enhancing and expanding leisure time*
Seanna (Chris) Watson
Professor of Very Large Scale Evolution
Joint Registrar
Selective breeding to produce a smaller, noisier type of of Homo Sapiens (joint project)
Steve (Chris) Watson
Professor of Object-Oriented Evolution
Associate Professer of Geology
Joint Registrar
Selective breeding to produce a smaller, noisier type of of Homo Sapiens (joint project)
Doug (Chris) Weller
Professor of Cult Archaeology.
The study of Cracked Pots
Matthew (Moshe) Wiener
Professor of Hebrewmatics
Fire and Brimstone Department
Chris Woodward, M.A.
Professor of Paleopsychology
Anheuser-Busch Chair of Floating
Beer Canopy Theories
Evocation of responses through visual stimulation of the ocular pathways of australopithecus cranial bones.

Associate Professors

Name & Position

Research Area
Michael (Chris) Agney
Associate Professor of Computer Hemipterology.
Global distribution of araneomorph constructions
Chriswell Ashlock
Associate Professor of Mathematical Modeling.
Exxon Chair of Flamethrower Maintainence.
Mathematical modeling of the optimum calorific value to singe ratio for flames
Bruce (Chris) Baugh
Associate Professor, Dept of Quantum Orbital Dynamics
and Nondeterministic Astronomy
Baugh Quantum Orbital Dynamics
Paul (Chris) Blake
Associate Professor of Sin
Do high sin fields slow down the speed of light?
Katie (Chrissie) Birtwell, Esq. A.B., C.D., E.F.
Associate Professor of Trilobites, Chiggerbites,
and Mosquitoes; Director of K-T Events
Department of Moderately Weird Wonders
Investigation into whether Hallucigenia whirled endlessly like dervishes, thus obviating the need for top and bottom
Chris Carrell
Last Thursday's Associate Professor of Protein Structure
and Increased Entropy.
Structures of Bullfrog actin vs. Gish actin and chicken egg lysozyme
Steve (Chris) Carlip
Associate Professor of Quantum Gravity.
Quantum cosmological initial conditions for the formation of alcohol: the decoherence function approach*
Jason (Chris) Christian
Associate Professor of Potatoe Peeling and Family Values.
Vice Commodore U of E Yacht Club.
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Ken (Chris) Cox
Associate Professor & Omphalos Chair of Navel Studies.
Exploring the central tenets of Omphalos theory

Office Hours: Last Tuesday
Richard (Chris) Daniel
Associate Professor of Vector Analysis.
Chauffeur to the Dean.
Gail (Chris) Davis
Associate Professor,
Dept of Public School Curriculum
Development and Indoctrination.
Folden Chair of Cross-gender
Identity Studies.
Scientific Babelism and Linguistic Creationism.
L. (Chris) Davis
Associate Professor of General Education.
Chairperson of Faculty Teaching Committee.
Assessing Effects of Interlocutary Intrusion into SCORCH* Space (*Scientific Creationism Overwhelmingly Refuted, Causing Heat)
Robert P. J. (Chris) Day
Associate Professor of Radiometrics.
Setterfield Chair of Decay Measurement.
Alcohol consumption as a factor in C-decay rate fluctuations*
Clark (Chris) Dorman
Associate Professor of Beerevolution Studies.
Evolution of Neural Structures Involved in Chosing Beer*.
Brendan (Chris) Dunn
Associate Professor of Cartography and Observational History.
Investigation into disappearance of 450 sq. mile island from Lake Superior in the first half of the eighteenth century.
Glenn (Chris) Durden
Associate Professor of Creation Research
Positive Motivational Self Convincing Reality
Paul D. (Chris) Farrar
Associate Professor of Oceanography.
Canute Chair of Physical Oceanography.
The dynamics of sexual reproduction as a factor in beach erosion*
Steven (Chris) Fisher
Associate Professor of Naval Architecture
Ark design & construction - the stability versus carring capacity trade-off
Linda (Christine) Fortney
Associate Professor
Comfy Chair of Quantum Library Science
Origin of THE Book: Evolution, Divine Creation, or just plain plagiarism
Jim (Chris) Foley
Associate Professor of Omphalic Envy.
Department of Anthropology
Primitive hominids (Australopithecus creationistii)
Stan (Chris) Friesen
Associate Professor of Religion and Science.
Science-friendy religion
Peter (Chris) Fromm
Assistant Professor of Velikovskian Authentic Ignorance. (AI)
Furry Logic or Neural Nuts? An application of the Turing Test.
Brandon Michael Andrew (Chris) Gorte
Associate Professor of Morrisic Geology.
Gue Chair of Flood/Brain Geology.
The Similarities Between Grand Canyon Gue and Karl's Brain.
Karl Hahn
Associate Professor of Just-So Stories
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
A. Grace Haliburton
Assistant to Assistant to Chairthing of Book Taxonomy
Assistant to Lecturer on Calculi and Lithography
Associate Professor of Remedial Science for Creationists
Associate Professor of Future Evolution
Assistant Professor of Musical Paleontology
Lecturer on Instrumental Neuroscience
The Linguistics of Mathematics: Mathematicians Do Not Use Language As We Know It.
The evolution of the neurosystems of clarinets and trombones by examining fossil records.
Victoria Mary (Chris) Haliburton
Lecturer in numerology, calculi*, lithography**;
Practitioner in Education***
*small rocks, **big rocks with pictures,
*** as opposed to professor or preacher.
Applied Time Travel (BSc. 1972, BA 1991, BA Hons. 1991, MA 1976)
Larry (Chris) Henling
Associate Professor of K12 Education.
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Wade Hines
Associate Professor of Disorder and Creative Spelling
Origins and evolution of the spelling of potatoe.
Steve C. (Chris) Jaume
Associate Professor of Pan-Dimentional Seismology.
A time variant trace equalized finite difference migration map of Pete's Wicked Ale (tm) in southeastern New York state, USA(*)
Micheal (Chris) Keane,
Associate Professor of Psychogravitational Analysis
Wooden Chair of Gravitational Morality.
The moral implications of the theory of gravity, or Delta m = - g x Delta t + C.
(m = morality, g = gravity, t = time, C = Universal Morality Constant)
Thomas (Kris) Kettenring

(on sabbatical)
Karl (Kris) Kluge

(on sabbatical)
Jon (Chris) Livesey

(on sabbatical)
Jim (Chris) Loats
Assistant Professor of Cruelty to Bacteria
Chair, Ethics in Experimentation Committee.
Evolving a faster swimming bacteria
Chris Lyman
Associate Professor of Philosophical Theology.
The extraction and dissemination of meaning from the universe
Tom (Chris) Marlowe
Associate Professor of Confuser Science.
Liptons Chair of Stimulant Infusion Research.
Efficient genetic algorithms for constructing Facetious posts (Obvius verbosus ssp.)
Craig (Chris) Morton
Associate Professor of Protein Chemistry.
Protein chemistry and NMR spectroscopy as applied to Guinness manufacture.*
Robert (Chris) Parson
Associate Professor of Gas-Phase Physical Chemistry
& Catholic Theology.
M.A.C. Hinton Chair of Eoanthropology.
Minimum escape velocity of Ozone and CFC's from t.o.

Pliocene Hominids of Northwestern Europe.
Mark (Chris) Patterson
Associate Professor of Glaciology.
The impact of glaciation on geography and the subsequent distribution of single malt scotch production*
Steve "Chris" Price
Assistant Professor of Computational Aesthetics.
Amish Chair of Electrical Engineering.
AlcohArt: The expression of CH3CH2OH in water colors.
1994 - the Amber Period: Its inspiration and cultural influence in brewing methodology.*
?(Chris) Rice

(on sabbatical)
Tom (Capt. Chris) Scharle
Associate Professor of Equine Oral Cavity Logic.
Captain, University Cavalry Regiment.
Polo Coach.
Determination of Equine Dentition from First Principles.
Jamie (Chris) Schrumpf
Associate Professor of Monrovian Communication
Random beneficial mutations of yeast pitched over radioactive wort and their effects on fermentation time and final specific gravity*
Eric (Chris) Shafto

[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
Ken (Chris) Smith
Associate Professor of Theological Mathematics.
Mathematical illogic behind fundamentalist creationist mathematical logic
Andrew (Chris) Solovay
(on sabbatical)
Simon E. (Chris) Spero
Associate Professor of Information Technology.
(on sabbatical)
Julie (Chris) Stahlhut
Associate Professor of Entomology.
Lewis Carroll Laboratory of Larval
Insect Behavioral Neurochemistry
[Has not supplied research topic - Admin]
John Tant
Associate Professor of Statistical Obfuscation
Governmental budgeting processes and alpha-numeric prevarications
Lloyd "Chris" Verhage
Associate Professor and
Charles K. Johnson Chair of Flat Earth Studies
Abiogensis in the brewing of beer.*
Ethan (Chris) Vishniac
Associate Professor of Astrophysiology.
G.G. Simpson Heritable Chair of Evilution
Cosmetology and Large Scale Stricture in the Universe.
Peter W. (Chris) Walker
Associate Professor of Astronomy.
Cosmology, Dark Matter, Superluminal Quasar Ejecta as they pertain to Velikovsky-baiting.
John (Chris) Wilkins
Associate Professor in Recent Runes.
Cryptofiatic Mythopoeism and the Evolution of Conspiracy Theory
David (Chris) Wright
Associate Professor of Computer Science
Babe Ruth Chair of Designated Hitting
Computing paths of line drives off creationist pitches, .400 hitting.

Graduate Students

Name & Position

Research Area
Joel (Eochris) Hanes
Houseman Scholar of Experimental Apologetics
"Justifying God's Ways to Man:
A Quantitative Assessment of the Relative Efficacy of Fermented Barley Malt and the Works of John Milton"*
Larry (Proto-Chris) Moran
Predictions of the Scientific Theory of Creationism As Revealed in the Book of Revelation.
Corey (Proto-Chris) Morgan
Monte Carlo simulations of southern schools teaching of the "science" of creation in public schools: implications through `random walk' simulations.
Dale (Proto-Kryss) Skiba
Department of Hystery of Science and Religion
Hyperbolic Dictatorial Banal Theological Exegesis Divulgence
working on Thesis -- Rabbit FAQ section.
Rebecca Lynn (PreChris) Johnson
Postcolonial Theories of Isostatic Encephalization
Roger M (Proto-Chris) Wilcox
Dark Sucker Theory

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Last modified: March 1st. 1998

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